*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.