You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
You Might Also Like
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?