I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
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y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’