Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
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the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
I see your IQ test came back negative
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
I think I’ll stand
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…