Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
You Might Also Like
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
It鈥檚 impossible to buy a mirror that isn鈥檛 used
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
you鈥檙e not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
Fun Fact: If someone鈥檚 car alarm keeps going off, you鈥檙e legally obligated to set the car on fire.
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it鈥檚 one of the most nurturing relationships I鈥檝e ever had.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 馃槕
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.