Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
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[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH