Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
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that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun