I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
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My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Do not steal food from the science building!
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Beware of fowl play.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
oh u like geography? name every lake
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.