Chemical wingman
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Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
wtf is an acronym
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
don’t we all
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.