[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
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I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”