Self-cleaning conscience
You Might Also Like
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose