Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
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When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious