Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
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You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
Rather alarming headline…
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
Midwest trash talk
💯😂
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
When your man makes a valid point
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.