Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
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I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.