I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
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In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
let’s discuss
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
he was correct
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!