If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
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If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’