{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
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I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
crazy
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me