I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
You Might Also Like
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
time machine? you mean a clock?
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel