[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
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“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please