Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
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it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
stand with me against insufficient seating
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back