Cats are still liquid.
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who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?