I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
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I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life