Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
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A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
I beg your pardon?
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.