i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
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“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
No. He’s not coming out to play
i hate you platonically
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
📽️movie date🎞️
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.