Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
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Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
My first child will be named New Folder.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro