5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
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I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
I know karate and tons of other words.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away