*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
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What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
🤣🤣
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!