[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
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I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice