I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
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life finds a way
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious