Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
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I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby