husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
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Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
handsome & gretel
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
Not today, today.
Not today.
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes