Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
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[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
just having fun
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
“The Perfect Relationship”
I’m having an out of money experience.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.