[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
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I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
12. I think about this all the damn time
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.