THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
You Might Also Like
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Jesus steals the winter solstice
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please