promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
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Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
a god among men
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.