Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
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This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.