[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
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No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
Who’s ready for Friday?!
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
You have been warned.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT