Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
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FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
rise and shine we got egg
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage