does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
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Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away