[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
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If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
In space, no one can hear…
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.