*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
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My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
Beware…..
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho