Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
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The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
When ur friends with white people
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Am getting real tired of your crap…
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs