There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
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Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands