Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
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If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Me driving through Toronto
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE