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If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?