Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
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Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
Mummies are just super modest zombies
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
True
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Europe. Made in Germany.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats