I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
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Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
Flowers bee like
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.