Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
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it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
No, he would not have.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
An odd boast
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.