[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
You Might Also Like
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
This is sending me to another galaxy
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.