The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
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Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
yeet
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work